Monday, December 29, 2008

Time flies

I can't believe it's already the end of December. Christmas blew by so fast I barely noticed. I guess I was preoccupied with going back to work and sorting out all the logistics of being a working mom. That, and we're sort of chronically exhausted these days. We managed to decorate, but most of our holiday traditions were either put off to the last minute or skipped entirely. It never really felt like Christmas, and I'm kind of bummed about that.

For the holiday itself, we traveled to visit Todd's family in Alpharetta. Then we drove up to visit his dad in Knoxville, where we managed to squeeze in a side trip to see my grandparents and several aunts, uncles, and cousins in Kingston. All together, it was kind of a whirlwind trip, and although I know we spent a lot of time happily sitting around eating and talking, my memory is mostly a mix of interstates and staggering around unfamiliar rooms in the middle of the night to feed and change a baby. In other words, I'm pooped.

This morning we took Micah by his new daycare. Tomorrow we'll actually leave him there for a few hours, and Monday he'll start full-time. It's a wonderful daycare, and I know he'll be fine, but it's not at all how I or my sister would take care of him, and I'm trying very hard not to worry. So there's that.

Oh yeah, and work. Of which I've been doing very little today. Blarh.

But hey, on the bright side, Todd got me a very nice flash for my camera, and I kind of want to make out with it every time I take a picture because DAMN it kicks the ass of the on-camera flash. Seriously, just thinking about it makes me deliriously happy. That in and of itself makes Todd significantly awesome. But the fact that he bought me a flash knowing it would encourage me to take even more pictures, many of which he will certainly be the victim subject, despite his intense dislike of having his picture taken...well, that just makes him even more of a wonderful husband.

Since it's been a while, I suppose I'll close with a Micah update. He is now sleeping like an angel at night, only waking up once to eat. He naps fairly well during the day. The days of screaming for hours on end are DONE. He still has his Arsenic Hour from about 6 PM to 7 PM, but the rest of the time he is happy to play in his gym, sit in his swing, or hang out in someone's lap. He is all smiles and giggles, and I swear I never knew before how addictive a baby's laugh could be. I'll do anything for one of his smiles, and his laughter makes my heart expand until I can't even breathe for joy. Not so long ago, I was afraid I'd never feel what I thought I should for my child. Now, suddenly, I'm there. And it is so amazingly good.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

The Return of the Engineer

I started back to work Monday after taking the last three months off to stay with Micah. The idea is to continue breastfeeding, so I'd planned ahead and pumped enough to have what I thought was a pretty good amount of milk in the freezer - a stash he promptly guzzled down on the first day. I didn't expect him to eat so much, nor did I expect repeated pumping to make me feel like someone had whacked me in the boob with a hammer. The first day's results were pretty meager too, at least compared to what Milk-Hog McGee is gulping down. But since then the girls have stepped up to the plate, and now there is milk aplenty. I have never been more proud of mah boobies.

(If you're feeling uncomfortable right now, just know that every male coworker who's walked into the kitchen to see me rinsing out pump parts is totally with you.)

I figure it's going to take me a while to get used to being both a mother AND a full-time employee. I'm learning to organize and pack everything the night before, to get up early to fit in everything I need to do, to manage waking, feeding, and dressing a baby while still getting ready for work. I've got a routine down that gets me and the baby out of the door in the mornings with only a minimum of running around like a headless chicken. We're coming around to an evening routine that lets us spend time with Micah, but also gets him in bed at a reasonable time. Eventually I'll figure out how to stick to a menu, but come on, I've only been at this four days.

Going back to work has been simultaneously a relief and one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I love my job and my coworkers and I am so, so happy to be back. I don't think I'll ever get used to being away from my baby for eight hours every day.

But life goes on. Micah starts daycare on January 5th, so pretty much just as we get used to having my (awesome, caring, and oh-so-lovely) sister watch him, it will be time to get used to a new situation. The daycare is about five minutes from my office, so I'll be able to go over and nurse him at lunch (WIN) and I can drop him off and pick him up easily. I don't think it will always go smoothly or anything, but we're slowly getting used to this new life of ours.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

The only thing I can say

With regards to this, I hope Alabama Attorney General Troy King burns in hell. He does what he does for politics, but I think he also does it for his own personal pleasure at hurting others, and I hope he pays.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Never mind

Holy crap, the exact moment the "add an entry" page came up, the baby woke up from his milk-induced coma and started shrieking. HOW DOES HE DO THAT?

Saturday, November 29, 2008

More than just pictures this time

At the risk of making every post nothing but pictures of my spawn, here is photographic proof of The Smile That Saved My Sanity:

First recorded smiles

Thursday Todd and I hosted our very first Thanksgiving and it was actually FUN. Well, to be fair, we didn't do much of the cooking - my mother did most of it and my sister contributed too - but it was at our house. Our firefighter neighbor was a bit concerned when he spotted our turkey frier out back, but we assured him we wouldn't be burning the house down. And lo, the bird was tasty, and the dogs did not catch on fire.

Friday night the grandparents took Micah so Todd and I could go out to dinner together. It was a strange mix of freedom and a nagging sense of I-think-we-forgot-something. We enjoyed the evening, but I also spent a large part of it resisting the urge to snatch someone's baby up for snuggling. I suppose it was good practice for when I return to work in two weeks.

Speaking of, apparently my coworkers are counting the days until I get back. Last Friday I stopped by for our Thanksgiving lunch, and I wasn't at all sure they were willing to let me leave. I've been worried that with me gone and the economy going in the crapper, I would be the first one up if they needed to let someone go. The last thing I wanted was for people to think they were getting along just fine without me. Thankfully, there's a ton of work waiting. If anything, I'll be totally swamped. My bosses both had a definite note of desperation in their voices when they asked what date I'd be back. So, there's that fear eased.

Now there's just the whole emotional paradox of looking forward to returning to work, but not wanting to leave my child behind. I feel like there are two people inhabiting my brain - the engineer who wants to get back to doing engineering, and the mom who just wants to stay home and enjoy her baby. I really want to do BOTH, without sacrificing anything, and that's just not how it works.

Monday, November 24, 2008

Mocking his pain

The key to getting cute photos of Micah is patience and a large memory card. If we lived back in the days of film, you'd be seeing dozens of pictures like these:



And my favorite:



Instead, I give you these:



On the upside, we now have REAL SMILES. The baby is smiling at me on a regular basis, and oh, it is cute. He refuses to perform for the camera, though, so you'll just have to trust me on this one.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

A rare sight

Don't be fooled. This lasted for about five minutes total. He was tired out FROM ALL THE SCREAMING.



Not his usual state of repose

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Down

I'm sitting here, wolfing down a bowl of leftovers while the child wails in the Swing of Despair in the front hallway. I've got the music turned up on the computer, trying to drown out what's been the seemingly non-stop soundtrack of my life since Todd hopped on an airplane Monday morning. I've not slept longer than an hour and half at a time since Sunday, and the sheer exhaustion is taking its toll on me. I'm trying very very hard not to join in on the crying, because, let's face it, there's just not enough chocolate for this shit.

I wanted to enjoy motherhood, and I do, sometimes. But it is just so overwhelming hard so much of the time, and I feel so...cheated. This is nothing like I expected. The good moments are everything I hoped for, but they're so fleeting. I honestly feel like I've stumbled into a trap, one baited by every parenting magazine cover and diaper commercial ever made, and I'm seriously considering gnawing off my leg here.

I didn't mean for this post to be a whine-fest, but there it is. This is how I'm feeling, this is what life is like right now. In just a minute, I'll go collect the screaming baby from his swing. I'll change him, feed him, rock him, and kiss his head while he cries, claws, and thrashes the entire time. I'll listen to his endless howling and do my best to comfort him. I'll forget that I'd rather be anywhere than here right now. I'll be his mother.

But it is so goddamn hard.

Friday, November 14, 2008

Baby Torture

Micah had his two-month checkup today, and, sadly, he appears to have inherited my tiny bean. He's in the 75th percentile for weight, the 90th percentile for height (surprise, surprise), and...the 25th percentile for head circumference. Todd can't ever find hats big enough, and I have to raid the tween sections of stores to find sunglasses that fit. I was hoping Micah would turn out somewhere in between, but it's not looking like it so far.

The little dude is up to 11 pounds 4 ounces and he shot up in height to 23 inches. And I'm pretty sure he did all that growing this week. As of Wednesday, he's outgrown all his newborn-size footie outfits. He can still wear the newborn onesies, but he's too tall for anything with feet. The bear-foot sleeper you saw last Friday? DONE.

He also got his first round of vaccinations today. The actual shots weren't so bad, but now? He's so incredibly sleepy, but he wakes up every five minutes or so with this pitiful high-pitched wail. He's totally uninterested in eating, shrieks if you touch his legs where they gave the shot, and is just generally miserable. There's nothing I can do for him, and it's kind of breaking my heart.

Oh and did I mention we're going up to Chattanooga tonight to celebrate Todd's dad's birthday? Overnight trip + miserable, freshly-vaccinated two-month-old = PRAY FOR OUR SOULS.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Progress!

Well, we made a decision on the backsplash. We finished tiling Tuesday and we're happy with the end result. Now all that's left is to seal the tiles, grout, seal the grout, fix all the outlets and switches, patch the wall, and paint. Until then, our kitchen is a wreck.

Here's a picture of the field tile:



And here's a picture of the fancy bit:



Also, the baby is still cute.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Deadlines

Holy shitpoopballs, were you aware there are only 46 days until Christmas? I know I have a few presents stashed away, but I need to do an inventory STAT. And then I need to get to ordering. I fully intend to do all my shopping online this year because there's no effing way I'm taking my 2-month old to a shopping mall after Thanksgiving. I'm high-strung enough during Christmas shopping as it is - the last thing we need to toss a wailing baby into the mix.

(That said, there are still 18 days until Thanksgiving, so all you people putting up your Christmas decorations this weekend...you all need to just chill the heck out. Seriously.)

Also, I really really need to get the birth announcements mailed. They've been printed and ready to go for a month, and now that I have stamps, the only thing stopping me is laziness. Oh, and Todd's intense desire to finish our backsplash by Tuesday. Yeah, there's that.

Do you know how hard it is to decide on things like tile and patterns and grout color? What if I screw it up? What if our kitchen ends up looking crappy? I can't make a decision because what if it's the wrong one?!?! But since we're (insanely) hosting Thanksgiving dinner at our house, it's suddenly become a priority again. And since my mother-in-law is in town to wrangle the baby for the next two days, now is the time. Decisions will be made, supplies will be purchased, tile will be...uhm...tiled. Will we survive? More importantly, will Todd survive? Stay tuned.

Friday, November 7, 2008

Prevention

My spawn has been crying and/or screaming nonstop all morning. Nothing is working.

It occurs to me that the dear folks over at Carters aren't merely designing baby clothes. They're saving children's lives. If it wasn't for the bear feet, I seriously would have already fed him to the possums.

Micah - 7 weeks

If he makes it to adulthood, he should send them a fruit basket.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

One small step

Back in early 2007, I read Barack Obama's book The Audacity of Hope, and decided I'd support him. As I learned more about him, and heard more of what he had to say, I was even more convinced. I knew it was a long shot - to be honest, I never thought he'd actually WIN - but I was one of those who found his message incredibly compelling. I might not have liked his chances, but I supported him anyway, because I desperately wanted to believe it was possible for Americans to look beyond his race and age, sort through the lies spewed by his opponents, and actually listen to what the man had to say.

Turns out it was possible after all.

I've never had the experience of supporting the winning candidate before. It's refreshing. The downside is, I've never felt good about where we were headed, so I've never had to worry about being disappointed. Bush certainly lived up to all my expectations - I expected a steaming pile of crap, and hey, that's what we got. Now, I have no idea what exactly the future holds. Electing Barack Obama was only the first step. I expect good things from him, and I can only hope that's what we get.

:::

In other news, I have a seriously cute baby.