One (of many) my boss never needs to read

At work, I fidget, I surf the web, I start a report, I start another report, I get up to stretch, I sit back down and check my phone, I'm back up to walk, I'm back to start another project, I decide to clean up my desk, I'm back to surfing Flickr, I decide to fill out my calendar. I can't focus on anything and I can't complete a task to save my life. I desperately want to be somewhere else, doing something different, and I couldn't tell you what that might be.

Let's be honest. I don't care about work right now. I don't care about this client's permit or that client's report. I'm not interested in reading gobs of regulations to prepare a proposal. I feel a slight panic when I think about studying for the PE, but I don't really care about that either, even though I know I'll regret it in April. I should at least be using my time to study for the deposition that was recently moved up to March 16th, but guess what? I don't particularly give a shit.

THIS IS NOT NORMAL FOR ME.

I said before that it's harder this second time. That was at the beginning, in the immediate aftermath. Now I'm starting to realize just how difficult the next few weeks and months really could be. It's only been a week, I know, but I feel so much more beaten down than the first time. I haven't had time to work through the things I need to. I haven't had the space to sort out how I feel or to come to terms with it. I took my three days off, and now I'm supposed to be the good little productive engineer, but I just can't do it this time.

Things that make me smile

One, this boy (when he's not being feral):

Two, our house is suddenly coming along:

I love this child

One foot in front of the other

This weekend, I am going back home to Hendersonville. I'll take beautiful pictures of my family, eat comforting food, cry on my mother's shoulder a little (maybe a lot), watch my son play with his grandparents, and be thankful for all the good things in my life. There are a lot of those.

Next week will be bad, but the next one will be better, and the one after that, and the one after that.

Twice

Yesterday we went in for a routine OB appointment, to check up on this 13-week pregnancy. Two ultrasounds later, it was official. There was no heartbeat. Our baby died a few days ago.

(Not again. Not again. Not again.)

This time, I asked for a copy of the sonogram. I don't know if I'll keep it, but I wanted a picture, just in case.

(This isn't happening.)

It's the same as last time. I FEEL normal - I'm still nauseous, still hungry, still tired, still sore. Only this time, you can also see the faint expansion of my belly. There's a curve there, just beginning. I went looking for my box of maternity clothes this past weekend, because I've already had to wear my pants unbuttoned. I thought it was a good sign that I was starting to show. It made me think we'd made it over the hurdle.

(We saw him, back in January. We saw the heartbeat. I was so relieved, so thankful.)

The doctor wants to run several blood tests to screen for a possible cause. He says it's a little unusual to have a healthy, normal pregnancy, then have two miscarriages, especially at 10 and 13 weeks. He promised us he'd do what he could to figure it out, if it's possible. If there's an even an answer. The D&C is set for next Wednesday.

(Does it really matter why? If there is something wrong, or if they can't find anything, if it really was just another fluke, another stroke of bad luck...does it matter?)

It is so much harder this time.

In June, I was comforted by the idea that the miscarriage was a blip on the radar, a small hiccup, nothing more. I thought we'd go on to have healthy happy children, and I would remember it as one small moment of sorrow in all the joy.

(I thought we were there.)

Now...now I can't reach for that comfort. I just can't. You can't tell me it probably won't happen, because it HAS. Two deaths in one year, two babies and two futures I've had to let go, two times I've visited this dark place. All I see, all I know, is this sadness, this second loss. I have no faith left.