Breather

This has been one of those weeks where I feel like I haven't slowed down once. I know there had to be bits of downtime here and there, but overall, it's been GO GO GO. And I'm pooped.

On the upside, it's also been one of those rare weeks where I feel like I've actually accomplished something. I made progress on several projects that were hanging over my head. So there's that silver lining.

I went back to work six months ago. Micah was three months old, still a shrieking, frustratingly inconsolable lump of baby. I was HAPPY to be back at work, in a world I understood, where someone else had the responsibility of caring for the thankless little screamer.

But then Micah became awesome, almost overnight. And Todd started traveling again. And work got harder, the days seemed to get shorter, and I began to feel like a hamster on a wheel, always running, running and never making any progress at all. I've lost interest in doing my job, I ache to see more of my rapidly-changing baby, and I'm more exhausted every single day. Weekends are meaningless - just time to catch up on all the stuff I didn't have time to do during the week. If I take time to relax, it's always at the expense of sleep, because nothing else has any leeway. Something has to give.

A few weeks ago, my parents took Micah so Todd and I could go out and celebrate our anniversary, and over dinner we decided I would approach my boss about going part-time. And so, last week, I did.

It's not official yet. I still have to sit down with my department manager and work out specifics like what days I'll be in, who will cover what, and there's the little matter of money. But it's a step, and just knowing there's a light at the end of the tunnel has helped immensely.

There's a little something that feels almost like guilt for admitting I just can't do it all, a voice that keeps whispering, "Plenty of women manage everything, so why can't I just put on my big girl pants and figure out their system, huh? Am I just a complete wuss? Oh god, I totally suck at this parent thing." But mostly it's drowned out by the sheer relief of realizing I don't have to keep sliding down the slope. I have the option of stepping back for a while and you know what? I'm going to take it.