The baby had full trisomy 6. It would have been a girl.
Full trisomy 6 always results in miscarriage. Babies with partial trisomy 6 all die in infancy. It's rare and random, was not caused by anything I did or didn't do, and probably won't happen again. We can move on with the expectation that we will have other children and they will most likely be healthy. Our questions have been answered, and the answers are less painful than I'd feared.
She existed, she was real, but she was irreparably flawed. Nothing could have changed the outcome, there never was a future, it really and truly wasn't meant to be. For some reason, I can accept that. I'm even thankful we were spared a worse experience. It seems like I should finally be able to put this behind me. Things should be getting better.
So why do I feel worse?
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Thursday, July 2, 2009
And then, nothing
On June 11, after several weeks of exhaustion, nausea, and the return of the troubles with my SI joints, it finally occurred to me to take a pregnancy test. Much to my surprise (and, at the time, dismay), it was positive.
Although I still had a few regrets at the derailment of all our plans, by the time Todd got home from his trip a few days later, I was happy. We were happy. Any worries I had about Todd vanished the moment I told him and his eyes lit up.
I had the bloodwork done to confirm it on June 15 and 17th. The hormone levels were high and looked good with an hCG of over 30,000. The nurse said we could be as far along as 12 weeks. Based on my symptoms, I was thinking 8 to 10, but since I've been nursing, there was no way to know. We scheduled an ultrasound for June 30 at 8:45 AM.
Tuesday, I was so excited to get a final due date for this baby. The question of how far along we were would be answered, and we'd know if she would be born in January or even late December. I was hoping we were far enough along to see an actual baby. With Micah we could see legs and arms, and we could see him moving. We could see his heart beating, his arms waving. I wished we'd thought to bring a CD to record this baby’s first ultrasound.
And then there was no heartbeat. No sign of life. Just the dim shape of what used to be a growing baby, and silence.
I didn't get to see the doctor until nearly 4. Todd and I spent over an hour in the waiting room, surrounded by happy, healthy pregnant women, the whole time knowing our baby was most likely dead. All we lacked was the official pronouncement from my doctor to make the nightmare real, and so we sat there, waiting. I don't blame the nurses – they didn't know. Once they realized what was going on, they swept us back to a room they don't use for examinations, where we could wait in relative peace.
During the second ultrasound, I kept my eyes glued to the screen. It wasn't that I thought the first one might have been wrong - it was because it was my last chance to see this baby. There wasn't much to see, but it was my child, my second child, and I wanted to know she was real. The doctor was very gentle, very sympathetic, and kind, and I'm grateful for the time he took with us. He was busy that day, it was late, and he still had a dozen patients waiting, but he stayed with us and answered all our questions.
I have mixed emotions on having a D&C, but since we're waiting on bloodwork to confirm dropping hormone levels, I have time to think about it. There's still no sign that anything is wrong. I'm still nauseous and exhausted, and my hips still hurt. Without the ultrasound, we'd never know anything was out of the ordinary. Now, it's a waiting game. How long before my body figures it out? We don't know. But every wave of nausea, every twinge in my hips, every sudden food craving only reminds me I'm carrying a baby that is no longer alive.
I'm glad we have Micah. Without him, this would be infinitely worse.
Three weeks ago, I thought our family was complete. I wasn't ready for another child, hadn't even thought about it really. But then, everything changed. And while I might have been uncertain at first, we had 18 days to accept it and find joy in it. By the time we walked into that room to see our baby for the first time, we were excited, thrilled, everything expectant parents should be. It never crossed my mind there would be anything other than a happy outcome – I took it for granted. And then it was gone.
Now we're back to a family of three, but what seemed so right only three weeks ago suddenly feels incomplete. There's a piece missing, a hole where I never saw one before, and it hurts so much more than I ever could have expected.
Although I still had a few regrets at the derailment of all our plans, by the time Todd got home from his trip a few days later, I was happy. We were happy. Any worries I had about Todd vanished the moment I told him and his eyes lit up.
I had the bloodwork done to confirm it on June 15 and 17th. The hormone levels were high and looked good with an hCG of over 30,000. The nurse said we could be as far along as 12 weeks. Based on my symptoms, I was thinking 8 to 10, but since I've been nursing, there was no way to know. We scheduled an ultrasound for June 30 at 8:45 AM.
Tuesday, I was so excited to get a final due date for this baby. The question of how far along we were would be answered, and we'd know if she would be born in January or even late December. I was hoping we were far enough along to see an actual baby. With Micah we could see legs and arms, and we could see him moving. We could see his heart beating, his arms waving. I wished we'd thought to bring a CD to record this baby’s first ultrasound.
And then there was no heartbeat. No sign of life. Just the dim shape of what used to be a growing baby, and silence.
I didn't get to see the doctor until nearly 4. Todd and I spent over an hour in the waiting room, surrounded by happy, healthy pregnant women, the whole time knowing our baby was most likely dead. All we lacked was the official pronouncement from my doctor to make the nightmare real, and so we sat there, waiting. I don't blame the nurses – they didn't know. Once they realized what was going on, they swept us back to a room they don't use for examinations, where we could wait in relative peace.
During the second ultrasound, I kept my eyes glued to the screen. It wasn't that I thought the first one might have been wrong - it was because it was my last chance to see this baby. There wasn't much to see, but it was my child, my second child, and I wanted to know she was real. The doctor was very gentle, very sympathetic, and kind, and I'm grateful for the time he took with us. He was busy that day, it was late, and he still had a dozen patients waiting, but he stayed with us and answered all our questions.
I have mixed emotions on having a D&C, but since we're waiting on bloodwork to confirm dropping hormone levels, I have time to think about it. There's still no sign that anything is wrong. I'm still nauseous and exhausted, and my hips still hurt. Without the ultrasound, we'd never know anything was out of the ordinary. Now, it's a waiting game. How long before my body figures it out? We don't know. But every wave of nausea, every twinge in my hips, every sudden food craving only reminds me I'm carrying a baby that is no longer alive.
I'm glad we have Micah. Without him, this would be infinitely worse.
Three weeks ago, I thought our family was complete. I wasn't ready for another child, hadn't even thought about it really. But then, everything changed. And while I might have been uncertain at first, we had 18 days to accept it and find joy in it. By the time we walked into that room to see our baby for the first time, we were excited, thrilled, everything expectant parents should be. It never crossed my mind there would be anything other than a happy outcome – I took it for granted. And then it was gone.
Now we're back to a family of three, but what seemed so right only three weeks ago suddenly feels incomplete. There's a piece missing, a hole where I never saw one before, and it hurts so much more than I ever could have expected.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Poll
Hypothetically, let's say you have an environmental job and there are lawyers involved. Then let's say that you have a tech and a subcontractor and some equipment at the site. Then let's suppose that a local with whom you have had no interaction previously comes up and, with his girlfriend, starts videotaping everything you're doing. Then he starts rudely questioning your subcontractor, but stops when you walk up. Then he tells his girlfriend to "get their tag numbers." Then he follows you over to another piece of property, and tells you, "I'm going to get some good pictures of your truck," and walks all around your vehicle to do so.
Question 1. What would you do?
Question 2. Is it a really bad idea to call up the lawyer and tell him/her in as non-confrontational a way as possible that if he/she's in contact with the residents (and perhaps asking them to videotape your activities), he/she should tell them that while they're more than welcome to document everything, you will not tolerate harassment of your personnel, and if necessary you will have the sheriff come out and escort your people to do their job?
Keep in mind that, in this hypothetical situation, you are 1) authorized to be on all the properties, 2) working under the authority of the state and the EPA, and 3) in the process of cleaning up THEIR shithole neighborhood OH MY GOD MY HEAD IS GOING TO EXPLODE AT THE STUPIDITY OF IT ALL. Hypothetically.
Question 1. What would you do?
Question 2. Is it a really bad idea to call up the lawyer and tell him/her in as non-confrontational a way as possible that if he/she's in contact with the residents (and perhaps asking them to videotape your activities), he/she should tell them that while they're more than welcome to document everything, you will not tolerate harassment of your personnel, and if necessary you will have the sheriff come out and escort your people to do their job?
Keep in mind that, in this hypothetical situation, you are 1) authorized to be on all the properties, 2) working under the authority of the state and the EPA, and 3) in the process of cleaning up THEIR shithole neighborhood OH MY GOD MY HEAD IS GOING TO EXPLODE AT THE STUPIDITY OF IT ALL. Hypothetically.
Some sanity after all
Well halle-effing-lujah. The Supreme Court ruled for Redding.
I personally have Very Strong Feelings about the issue of searches, whether they be at airports, stadiums, subways, or schools. When it comes to schools, I understand what the Supreme Court intended with New Jersey v. TLO and I understand the schools' arguments in that case. But in TLO the Supreme Court ruled that a school search requires "reasonable grounds for suspecting that the search will turn up evidence that the student has violated or is violating either the law or the rules of the school."
Random student drug testing doesn't pass that test (I've spent quite a bit of time frothing at the mouth over that topic, thankyouverymuch), and a strip search of someone based on hearsay doesn't either. And even if it did, if a strip search were attempted on my child while I wasn't there, I would personally make every official involved wish they'd never been born.
(I say attempted, because I'm going to teach my children that if anyone ever tries to strip search them while I'm not present, it's okay to punch, bite, and/or maim said authority figure if they even so much as touch an arm after my child has made his or her feelings on the subject clear.)
I'm all for safety, but I refuse to believe the only way to have it is to take a dump on the reasonable expectation of privacy every citizen supposedly enjoys. Not only that, but in this case we're talking about children, and often children who are only a few years away from being voting, taxpaying citizens. What kind of a message does it send when their rights are so casually violated?
(On a related note, Todd once told me he refused to fly with me if I insisted on carrying this in the airport. He seemed to think it sends the wrong message, like CAVITY SEARCH CANDIDATE HERE, RIGHT HERE.)
So, the point is, I'm THRILLED the Supreme Court ruled that the school violated the Fourth Amendment when they strip-searched a 13-year-old girl, an honors student who'd never been in trouble, over a couple of ibuprofen another student said she had. On the downside, I'm not so pleased that Clarence Thomas has once again proven himself to be an unmitigated douchebag.
I personally have Very Strong Feelings about the issue of searches, whether they be at airports, stadiums, subways, or schools. When it comes to schools, I understand what the Supreme Court intended with New Jersey v. TLO and I understand the schools' arguments in that case. But in TLO the Supreme Court ruled that a school search requires "reasonable grounds for suspecting that the search will turn up evidence that the student has violated or is violating either the law or the rules of the school."
Random student drug testing doesn't pass that test (I've spent quite a bit of time frothing at the mouth over that topic, thankyouverymuch), and a strip search of someone based on hearsay doesn't either. And even if it did, if a strip search were attempted on my child while I wasn't there, I would personally make every official involved wish they'd never been born.
(I say attempted, because I'm going to teach my children that if anyone ever tries to strip search them while I'm not present, it's okay to punch, bite, and/or maim said authority figure if they even so much as touch an arm after my child has made his or her feelings on the subject clear.)
I'm all for safety, but I refuse to believe the only way to have it is to take a dump on the reasonable expectation of privacy every citizen supposedly enjoys. Not only that, but in this case we're talking about children, and often children who are only a few years away from being voting, taxpaying citizens. What kind of a message does it send when their rights are so casually violated?
(On a related note, Todd once told me he refused to fly with me if I insisted on carrying this in the airport. He seemed to think it sends the wrong message, like CAVITY SEARCH CANDIDATE HERE, RIGHT HERE.)
So, the point is, I'm THRILLED the Supreme Court ruled that the school violated the Fourth Amendment when they strip-searched a 13-year-old girl, an honors student who'd never been in trouble, over a couple of ibuprofen another student said she had. On the downside, I'm not so pleased that Clarence Thomas has once again proven himself to be an unmitigated douchebag.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Putting his lessons to use
"It is, in fact, nothing short of a miracle that the modern methods of instruction have not yet entirely strangled the holy curiosity of inquiry." - Albert Einstein
Back in high school, in a school system that was often more focused on mediocrity and "leveling the playing field" than encouraging its students to excel, I was fortunate enough to have a small handful of really extraordinary teachers. Last Wednesday, June 10, one of them was informed by email that he was being "involuntarily reassigned" from Hendersonville High school. It turns out he and the new principal have some sort of personality conflict. Unfortunately for her, there's a very good reason he got Teacher of the Year a while back.
By the end of the day, some of his former students had created the Facebook group "Save Fuqua!" And now, only one week later, the group has 1,723 members and 200 to 300 of his former and current students have sent emails to the school board, media, and to Mr. Fuqua himself.
And here's where it gets interesting. The media actually picked up the story.
Popular Hendersonville High teacher shocked by reassignment
Hendersonville Star News, June 11
Dear Metro Nashville Public Schools: Hire David Fuqua
Nashville Scene, June 12
Students Rally After Teacher Transferred To Different School
News Channel 5, June 12
Hendersonville teacher move prompts e-mail blitz
The Tennessean, June 14
Teacher unhappy about transfer to Portland
Hendersonville Star News, June 16
I sent my email in last week, on June 11th.
Dear Mr. Bills:
I am an alumna of Hendersonville High School. I graduated in 1999 and was a student of Mr. Fuqua. I am currently an environmental engineer in Huntsville, Alabama.
I do not know the exact circumstances regarding the removal of Mr. Fuqua from Hendersonville High, so all I can speak to is my experience as one of his students. His class was one of the most memorable I attended during my four years at HHS - one that, to this day, has shaped my approach both to my career and my duties as a US citizen. His style of teaching is exactly what is needed to help develop independent, critical thinking and a passion for civic involvement. I think now, more than ever, we need people who are capable of analyzing issues, researching information, and educating themselves. The real world is not a carefully organized and presented textbook, and Mr. Fuqua gives his students the skills to navigate conflicting information and opinions in a capable, rational, and informed manner. His style is unstructured and informal, but then, so is life outside the classroom.
By removing Mr. Fuqua from Hendersonville High, the educational experience available to the students - never one of the best when it came to actively encouraging excellence - has been even further diminished. The students there will be poorer for never having the opportunity to challenge each other and themselves in such a unique and constructive manner.
I think the response you've received over this issue speaks for itself. It is a firsthand look at how much Mr. Fuqua inspired his students and how well we learned his lessons. More than anything, he taught us to speak out and to do something when it comes to the things in which we believe. I am thankful for all I learned from Mr. Fuqua, and I am asking you to extend the same privilege to the current students of Hendersonville High School.
I don't know if any of it will make a damn bit of difference, but something about seeing all of us come to the defense of a truly outstanding teacher...well, that gives me the warm fuzzies.
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